I'm having one of those "I hope I'm still pregnant" kind of days today. Suddenly trying to remember if I felt queasy at all...or ravenous. Those have been my big daily reminders...and I wasn't queasy or particularly hungry today at all.

I'm trying to tell myself it's probably just a side effect of being sick, but that's not helping, because then I think - what if by taking tylenol and sudafed and ampicillin (all approved by my dr's office) I have killed the baby???!!!

And since at 10 weeks it's too small for me to feel movement, I have, obviously, no way of knowing.

But I also remember feeling like this just before a lot of my check-ups when I was pregnant with my son. Even when he was big and busy and would get the hiccups and I'd watch my stomach jump. If he was asleep for a while in there, and not moving, and it was the day of my next dr's appointment, I'd worry.

"WHY ISN'T THE BABY MOVING???" And everything was always fine.

But that could be what's going on. I am closing in on the end of the first trimester, and I want to tell more people that I'm pregnant, but I want to wait this time, just to play it safe-ish...and now that I'm getting down to that wire, I am fearful that "something bad will happen." Which is my scardy-cat way of saying I'm fearful that the baby will die. Or already has.

Yes - I hear people - "Shhh!! Don't even say that! Don't think like that!" But I would bet my brand-new 6-quart Kitchen Aid Mixer that there isn't a mother out there who hasn't worried that exact same thing more than once while she was pregnant. Even if she never said it to anyone. Not even to herself - if it was just a fleeting feeling followed by a little shudder and a brisk shake of the head to get rid of it ... I think we all think it. Worry about it. Not 100% of the time. But at least once.

So I am looking forward to my appointment next Thursday to put my fear to rest. Until a bit before the next visit, when it will wake up and cause me to shudder again.

Waiting for the phone to ring.

I'm waiting for a call (oh my god it's ringing now) - nope, stupid telemarketer. He asked if he could speak to my husband (using his full name, not the shorter version everyone who actually does speak to him uses) and I said "nope! and I'm waiting for a call." And I hung up on him. I'm usually a bit kinder. But not today.

Because today, ladies and gentlemen, my throat still hurts, ear-to-ear, as it were, and if you were to take a flashlight and peek at the back of my throat you would be horrified becuase it looks like I've got little blobs of cottage cheese tucked away back there, squirrel-like, for a snack. It's ugly. And it feels ugly. And I'm working on another night of very little and very interrupted sleep, and I am waiting for my OB/GYN's office to call back so I can beg to take this stupid antibiotic that my other doctor says is safe for pregnant women, OR they can give me another course of action. Besides the warm salt water gargle. Besides tylenol. They. Aren't. Helping.

And I'm TIRED. I'm sick tired on top of pregnant tired on top of normal busy mom tired. Only this week I'm not being busy mom completely, at least not busy working mom, because I'm home - still - again - because of this damn throat of torture I've been cursed with. I would scream, but it would really, really hurt.

I just don't know what to do. Well, yes I do, I need a nap right about an hour ago, but I decided to wait for the nurse to call back. Which she hasn't. Yet. And I'm not complaining - I love the entire staff of that office - they're very caring, kind people. And she will call. I'm sure she's busy with actual patients who are there having exams and things...so I'll probably get a call around lunch time. But in the meantime, time is ticking away, and if I can take this antibiotic, then I'd like to get a few doses under my belt before the sun sets.

I'm so sick of being awake in the middle of the night.

And I'm not one to whine about pain, normally. I have a burn on my wrist that's healing and itchy, but when I actually burned it (on a rack in the oven, in a hurry) I didn't even make a sound.

I did not have an epidural when I had my son. I had 16 hours of back labor and an hour of pushing (and I know, yes, plenty of people have had it worse) and even though back labor hurt more than I ever could have imagined, and my contractions did not have a contract/rest/contract/rest rhythm - it was more of a CONTRACT/contract/contract/rest/CONTRACT/contract/contract thing going on - I had, near the end, a little bit of stadol which knocked me out for about half an hour to give me a break from the contractions and their wacky beat. But no epidural. And that's how I plan to have this next one. (Though, if I could avoid back labor again, I wouldn't argue...though I hear if you have it once you're doomed.)

Anyway, my point is, this sore throat is driving me more nuts than the contractions did. And besides - they ONLY lasted 16/17 hours. THIS has been going on since Saturday night!

It's making me a little wild. That's all.

I'm going to take a nap, if I can. I guarantee that the minute I finally fall asleep, the phone will ring.

It's no fun being sick

And especially so when you're pregnant and there's really not a whole lot you can take to make the symptoms go away. Tylonal really doesn't do a damn thing for me. Well, okay, it brought my temperature down the other night. So that was a good thing. But my throat hurts like hell and nothing seems to ease that. I went to the Dr this morning thinking maybe I had strep, but the test came up negative. The Dr prescribed ampycillin (however it's spelled) which is the mildest of the antibiotics, or the safest for pregnant chicks to use...and just to play it safe, I called my OB/GYN and told that office the situation, and I was told that since I don't have strep, not to take it. Which, on one hand, is fine with me - the less chemicals coursing through my blood and this baby's blood the better. But on the other hand - I don't feel good!!!!!!!!.

I stayed home from work today, and if my throat isn't VASTLY improved tomorrow, I'll stay home again. My job is mostly talking, and I'm just not up to a full day of it. Plus, I'm pregnant, and I need to take care of myself not just for me but for this new little one I'm carrying around.

I find myself worrying more about this one than I think I did with my son. I could be wrong - it's been a while. But I think, having lost two, I'm afraid of losing three. My next appointment is next week, and I'm looking forward to that just so I can hear the heartbeat again. It's a tremendously reassuring sound.

Gotta go now. Maybe more applesauce will help....